Illustration by Ruth Silbermayr-Song
My new coworker and I have lunch together. She is a woman in her mid-to-late 30s and has a two-year-old child. After she asks me about marrying Y, it’s my turn to ask her.
I: “You’re married, aren’t you?”
She: “I am.”
I: “Have you two been together for quite a while?”
She: “We have. We met quite a long time ago.”
I: “So did you meet at university?”
She: “No, we met at work, just like you and Y. It was my first job. We’ve already been together for 10 years. When I come home in the evenings, I like to play with my little one. Being together for such a long time and having a small kid to take care of, well, to be honest, there’s not much I and my husband talk about anymore.”
I don’t really know what to reply to this. My co-worker doesn’t seem too unhappy about the fact that she and her husband don’t talk much with each other, but rather like this is something that she has gotten used to early into her relationship.
Do you think that this is a very common problem with couples who have been together for so long? I’d love to read your comments.
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I cannot really tell if it’s true or not – my husband’s parents are not really close anymore, but on the other hand my parents, being married 23 years, together 28 still love each other like they were a couple of teenagers in their first relationship. I can only wish that kind of happy marriage for myself, you and any other married couple 🙂 I feel sorry for your co-worker, I think that’s my biggest fear
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I think it’s easy to fall into the trap my coworker has fallen into. But sometimes things get better with time – there was a time when my in-laws weren’t that happy together, but they are now that they are older (according to my mother-in-law).
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I think couples should grow togather and don’t like the situation when there are no common interests but kids.
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I agree, but I can understand that sometimes things don’t work out in a way you might have expected. Being in a relationship and happy in it needs a lot of work on both sides.
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My late husband and I were married for 31 years, so if I may, I’d like to give some suggestions. Sometimes the ordinary topics (children, friends, work, weather, vacation plans, etc.) aren’t enough. Suggestion #1: Be an interesting person with hobbies, enthusiasms and opinions, and share them. #2: Become interested in things your husband likes. You may find they are more fun than you expected. For me, this was kung fu movies. I didn’t like them at first. Now I do. #3: Become friends with his friends and family and share yours.
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Thanks for your great suggestions!
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Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I will keep these in mind!
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I think with small children it can happen that way just in the daily grind of life. (I’ve barely said a word to my husband all evening between putting the kids to bed, me taking a bit of me-time on the internet and now he’s in a late-night conference call so that was badly planned).
But I still want to talk to him, so I think maybe that’s a bit different to not wanting to talk/having anything to say.
That said, comfortable silences can be golden, too. There’s various ways to keep a connection. Keeping the connection is the thing, rather than talking, per se.
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I agree, it’s not about the talking per se, but rather the fact that it seems like they have nothing they can talk about anymore. You’re right, being able to be silent together is gold too.
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I’ve been married five years and we still talk everyday. We even try to IM or call each other during the day when he’s at work. But maybe its different when you have kids…
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I don’t think their not talking with each other is to blame on the child, but rather that they have started moving apart or losing interest in the other. Also, sometimes we get so used to some things (and are tired in the evening, etc) that we don’t work on a change.
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